a new tactic...

Maybe tactic is not the right word. A new direction might be apropos. Effort is the key word here. It's something that I feel has been lacking of late. On my part, of course. On others? Perhaps. Yes, I think so.

What efforts need to made, you ask? I think that more needs to be done than simply going through the motions of life in general. Take the xmas season for example. For those that know me, I am a scrooge of sorts. I don't begrudge giving. In fact, I think that is the part that I enjoy most about xmas. I love the gift giving to family and friends rather than the receiving part. 'Cause let's face it, what I want money cannot buy.

But I made an effort today. I actually put up the xmas tree today. EGADS! Yes, my friends, it went up before the 23rd of December. And do you want to know something else? Wait for it, because you might need to sit down when I tell you. I was actually enjoying myself. It might have something to do with the fact that I was listening to Stuart Mclean on CBC, and laughing at the imperfect stories about xmas. Perfection is over-rated! And as I type, I am enjoying a glass of shiraz in honour of the xmas sing along that we will be participating in tonight. (thruth be told, I am right up there with Mili Vanilli and the whole lip-synching deal)

Effort. I am going to make more of an effort to be more communicative. You have asked for it, so don't get upset if I call you on it. You may not like what I have to say. If you ask me what's wrong, it may not come out right away. But I am (eventually, just give me a minute) tell you exactly what I am feeling at that very moment. It's not personal. It's just how I am feeling about whatever. I will do my best to put anger aside and think things through before I open my mouth. I have always been so reluctant to let it all out, lest I hurt feelings. And the result is that I am angry, and others go around scratching their head wondering what it is that they might have done. I am, as always, a work in progress.

And I hope that I receive effort. Effort in making relationships and all that go with it a priority. You can't buy that. And that is what I wish for most. Thoughtfulness...taking an active role...picking up the phone...I haven't forgotten that effort is a two way street. The deal is that I hold up my end, but I hope that there will be reciprocation. I want to feel that there is effort made on all sides.

I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. I don't need titles to feel as if I am loved. I am not seeking affirmations that I am an important person. It's not about that. I need to feel that we are equally putting in the effort. I am going to truely put more effort in on my part. I hope that you will join me.

That is my confusing, self-serving rant for the day.